A Missing Generation in Orthodox Christian America - Unarmed in the World

I'm really struggling with this post and I'm not quite sure how to proceed except to just say what I know to be true and what I experienced.  

I entered college as a naive child and unarmed to face the American college experience.  While I "identified"as an Orthodox Christian, I had very little knowledge as to what that even meant.  Other than a comical encounter with a well-meaning member of Campus Crusade for Christ, and one trip to a local Orthodox Church for Pascha my sophomore year (I showed up late and was there for maybe 15 minutes), that was pretty much it for God in college.    

Without going into the details of my four years, it should suffice to say that I left college deeply wounded.  I made the same choices as many other college kids but for some reason, I seemed to have come up much much worse for the wear than everyone else.  My relationship with my parents was dysfunctional at that point.  My father was trying to make a go of a new business venture and there were so many stressors involved with that.  My mother had her own struggles that interfered with us having a close relationship for many years, so there was no trusting relationship that so many of my other friends seemed to have with their mothers. Nor did I have any older siblings or family members or trusted adults that could help.  I really had not a single person in whom to turn.  My close friends did not understand and their advice was "you shouldn't feel that way." I know they were only trying to be helpful and we all existed on the same plane of maturity, but that common phrase didn't help at all .  Sadly, the end result of all of this was extreme anxiety and feelings of abandonment and isolation.  

I kept trucking along though.  I moved to the big city and got myself busy.  And when I wasn't busy, I depended on music and TV to drown out those incessant thoughts that told me how unworthy of a human being I was. I could not bear silence because those painful memories would rush back to attack. And although I still remained nonreligious, I was in a panicked state that God was now looking for the opportunity to throw me into hell.  Paranoia at its finest.  Thankfully, I was never suicidal although I fully understand how many people could end up in that place. The paralyzing fear of divine judgement from a vengeful and unforgiving deity was so deeply ingrained in me that it wouldn't allow for such thoughts. I did NOT want to die. 

In this distressing spiritual and psychological state, I continued to push onward.  I married and had a child who was brought into the Church because that's what you are supposed to do. I worked full-time until we moved to a place that would allow me to stay at home to raise a family. However, after the initial busyness of the move was over, the thoughts returned and churned over and over and over.  Fear continued to rule my life.  A few months after moving into our new home, I had a difficult and scary miscarriage, and then almost four months later, 9/11. September 11, 2001...the day that forced every human to confront their mortality.  The very thing I had been avoiding for the past ten years.

 

      

    

4th Century Preaching - Advice for Bullies

One of my all time favorite movie quotes comes from A Bronx Tale, a 1993 movie about a young boy who gets involved in the workings of the street life in the Bronx.  I don't remember too many details about the movie, except for this quote.

Is it better to be loved or feared? That's a good question. It's great to be both, but it's very difficult. But if I had my choice, I would rather be feared. Fear lasts longer than love.

Now this quote was from a mobster, not exactly a profession that touts virtuous behaviour, but I have noticed in my almost 41 years of life that this seems to be a common mode of existence for some people.  I've known bosses, neighbors, even "friends" that have embraced this modus operandi.  They would rather be feared than loved, so they bully and threaten which then forces you to walk on eggshells 24/7 hoping not to anger them.   Probably the worst situation for this is in a marriage.  Here's what St. John Chrysostom says in Excerpt 74 from On Living Simply:

Those who treat their servants harshly, instilling fear into them with angry words and threats, may succeed om compelling their servants to work hard; but servants feel no attachment to their masters, and at the first opportunity run away.  How much worse is it for a husband to use angry words and threats to his wife.  Yet many men frequently try to intimidate their wives.  They lift up their voices and shout; they demand instant compliance to their every whim; they even raise their arms to force their wives to submit.  Wives treated in this fashion become no more than sullen servants, acting as their husbands require out of cold fear.  Is this the kind of woman you want?  Does it really satisfy you to have a wife that is petrified of you?  Of course not.  Indulging your ill-temper at the expense of your wife may give some immediate relief to your emotions; but it brings no lasting joy or pleasure.  Yet if you treat your wife as a free woman, respecting her ideas and intuitions, and responding with warmth to her feelings and emotions, then your marriage shall be a limitless source of blessing to you.

You know, you read this and say to yourself...yeah he's right, but then you move onto other things and forget the words.  However, if this was spoken to you, with vocal inflections and facial expressions, how much more powerful are these words?  I wonder how many people stomped out of church after hearing this preached?  And I wonder how many women sighed with relief to know that their situation had not gone unnoticed and were reassured through St. John's words that God cares for their well-being?