A Missing Generation in Orthodox Christian America - Unarmed in the World

I'm really struggling with this post and I'm not quite sure how to proceed except to just say what I know to be true and what I experienced.  

I entered college as a naive child and unarmed to face the American college experience.  While I "identified"as an Orthodox Christian, I had very little knowledge as to what that even meant.  Other than a comical encounter with a well-meaning member of Campus Crusade for Christ, and one trip to a local Orthodox Church for Pascha my sophomore year (I showed up late and was there for maybe 15 minutes), that was pretty much it for God in college.    

Without going into the details of my four years, it should suffice to say that I left college deeply wounded.  I made the same choices as many other college kids but for some reason, I seemed to have come up much much worse for the wear than everyone else.  My relationship with my parents was dysfunctional at that point.  My father was trying to make a go of a new business venture and there were so many stressors involved with that.  My mother had her own struggles that interfered with us having a close relationship for many years, so there was no trusting relationship that so many of my other friends seemed to have with their mothers. Nor did I have any older siblings or family members or trusted adults that could help.  I really had not a single person in whom to turn.  My close friends did not understand and their advice was "you shouldn't feel that way." I know they were only trying to be helpful and we all existed on the same plane of maturity, but that common phrase didn't help at all .  Sadly, the end result of all of this was extreme anxiety and feelings of abandonment and isolation.  

I kept trucking along though.  I moved to the big city and got myself busy.  And when I wasn't busy, I depended on music and TV to drown out those incessant thoughts that told me how unworthy of a human being I was. I could not bear silence because those painful memories would rush back to attack. And although I still remained nonreligious, I was in a panicked state that God was now looking for the opportunity to throw me into hell.  Paranoia at its finest.  Thankfully, I was never suicidal although I fully understand how many people could end up in that place. The paralyzing fear of divine judgement from a vengeful and unforgiving deity was so deeply ingrained in me that it wouldn't allow for such thoughts. I did NOT want to die. 

In this distressing spiritual and psychological state, I continued to push onward.  I married and had a child who was brought into the Church because that's what you are supposed to do. I worked full-time until we moved to a place that would allow me to stay at home to raise a family. However, after the initial busyness of the move was over, the thoughts returned and churned over and over and over.  Fear continued to rule my life.  A few months after moving into our new home, I had a difficult and scary miscarriage, and then almost four months later, 9/11. September 11, 2001...the day that forced every human to confront their mortality.  The very thing I had been avoiding for the past ten years.

 

      

    

Cleaning up 2012

I've got two things to wrap up from 2012...so here it goes:

1 - The last time we met I posted about my grandmother's departure from this life to the next.  Her funeral was a beautiful occasion and when you compare it to those outside of Orthodoxy, there simply is nothing to compare.  If you have the inkling to do so, I suggest you find the service online and read through it. An Orthodox Christian's death is a feast of love.  I walked away from my grandmother's funeral with a refreshing perspective on death.  It "reminded" me how much I am loved from birth to death by not only God and my immediate family, but also by the entire Church, both triumphant and militant.  And it wasn't a mental reminder either. It was more like a transformation that didn't come from rational thinking like "Be happy!  She's in a better place and I can go there too!"  It is something much more sublime and indescribable.  Sort of how you really can't describe that state of being after the Orthodox Paschal (Easter) service.  Actually I feel it more acutely on Bright Monday after I have finished cooking/cleaning and had some sleep.  The world is illumined and you feel exceedingly hopeful in all things and the boundaries between heaven and earth seemingly don't exist.  Blessed are those who have attained the ability to walk around this world perpetually in this state!  

And then there is this:

2 - Prior to that post about my grandmother's death, I had been giving my own thoughts on Markides' book, The Mountain of Silence.  All in all, I liked the book and found it to be edifying and you can read through the comments for a little more discussion between myself and an anonymous poster.  I don't think I'm going to comment anymore on his books only to say that I quite liked his latest, Inner River: A Pilgrimage to the Heart of Christian Spirituality, especially Fr. Maximos' conversation about the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).  His teaching was that these fruits were listed in a hierarchical order and that without the one listed last, self-control, that the others are not truly attainable.  I suppose that is why the Church has such an emphasis (almost daily) on fasting, the tool to self-control when practiced correctly.   Obviously the book goes into more more depth than my two sentence synopsis.  There is also a chapter on Markides' journey to St. Katherine's Monastery at the foot Mount Sinai in Egypt.  As someone who has very little chance of visiting the Sinai desert, I rather enjoyed that chapter. To wrap it up, like I wrote in my prior post, not everyone likes Markides' books.  For me, however, the first book really had a positive effect on my life and perhaps that's why I have enjoyed the two that followed.     


So now what's in store for 2013 for Desert Deliberations?  I don't know really.  Maybe just random ramblings that I come across.  I did just read a lovely little book called Crazy John, which recounts the life a modern day Fool-for-Christ in Greece.  It can be purchased here through St. Barbara's Monastery bookstore. 
Here's an excerpt:

 

In this particular neighborhood that may not differ from all others, not even from our own--whether we live in the city or in a village-- the foolishness of a single person, a model of Jesus Christ, was enough to provoke a pleasant revolution. It is pleasant because it is unique, one of a kind, a novelty through time. This revolution breaks the demonic bonds of souls admittedly captured and attached to ephemeral and inferior things. It restores them to the frequency of heaven and to the invigorating, salutary, doxological pulses of the Holy Trinity. It attires them with the sense of the Greek "philotimo" and unselfishness, honesty and purity, patience and perseverance, sacrifice and love, humility and repentance. It is only with this attire that the soul can attend the unceasing everyday table, which God gives us bounteously.
 

It's a refreshing read for sure.

Wishing you all a marvelous New Year that brings transformations that you never thought possible!


 

Death, post 5, Death and Mercy

This is the last post on death for the time being.  I have not been exhaustive on the topic by any stretch of the imagination.  As I mentioned in the first few posts there are many different facets to the topic, and I ended up approaching death by explaining what it means as an Orthodox Christian to be "dead to the world" and to live one's life with the end in mind, and the remembrance of death is the vital means to this end.  I gave both the ordinary example of my simple grandfather who lived as a layman (a carpenter by trade) and the extraordinary example of St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco.


Some people may make the argument that living your life with the end in mind is depressing and robs you of everyday joy.  An atheist that does not believe in an afterlife or a Christian that believes that they are already "saved" and hence somehow will avoid judgment may say this I suppose.  But to those of us that believe that our actions (or inactions) actually have eternal consequences, remembering that our lives can end at any given moment (google September 11, 2001 for details) should keep us in check.  Living a self-examined life and continually confessing and changing those areas that fall short of what God asks from us is really the only way to prepare ourselves for the inevitable judgment.  However, the more and more we tie ourselves up with unnecessary cares of this world, the more and more impossible this becomes.  Being dead to the world doesn't mean ignoring all other people and focusing on yourself.  It is forgetting about your own needs, and focusing on the needs of other people.  And what do people need?  The obvious answer is, they need our love, and they need it unconditionally, regardless of whether they believe in our religious or political ideas.  And, I think, that the most important aspect of this love, is mercy and not judgment. 

Fr. Gabriel Cooke of blessed memory once relayed the following story to us one Sunday.  I think this really underscores the Orthodox Christian world view.

Fr. Gabriel had been invited to a pan-Christian event of the greater Phoenix metro area.  Leaders of various Christian denominations gathered together for a general discussion of ideas and the topic of what was to be hoped for at the Last Judgment came up.  One pastor stood up and proclaimed "Justice!  I want justice to be done!"  This announcement brought up great applause and agreement.  After a minute or two, things settled down and Fr. Gabriel stood up and replied "Justice?  Really?  My hope is in mercy.  I will need mercy from God, because it will be in His mercy that I will be saved."  No grand applause for this comment.

Realizing that we are all in need of mercy levels the playing field.  It deflates the ego and self-righteousness dissipates.  However if we occupy ourselves with judging others, with obtaining more and more stuff, or with zombifying our souls with entertainment, there is no time in our self-absorbed lives to give thought to another person. It's a very hard thing and life long struggle to be sure, but this being "dead to the world" is the only way.

Here's a quote from St. Innocent of Alaska, another Orthodox saint of North America.  I highly recommend his biography, St. Innocent, Apostle to America, it reads like a page turning adventure novel. The courage, the determination and above all, the love St. Innocent had for God and His children is almost beyond belief.  Anyhow, St. Innocent said the following: 

 

To deny oneself means to give up one's bad habits; to root out of the heart all that ties us to the world; not to cherish bad thoughts and desires; to suppress every evil thought; to avoid occasions of sin; not to desire or to do anything out of self-love, but to do everything out of love for God. To deny oneself, according to St. Paul means "to be dead to sin. . . but alive to God."

or from Jesus Christ Himself in Matthew 25:31-46:

31 “When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. 33 And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35 for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; 36 I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’


37 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 38 When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? 39 Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ (emphasis mine)

41 “Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: 42 for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; 43 I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’

44 “Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” 

Death, post 4, Life of the Living Dead

Pretty cool title if I do say so myself.

So this next post is about the saints. Now before anyone gets their proverbial undies in a bunch, let me say one thing.  We are all called to be saints. A saint is someone who is "sanctified" or "holy".  One who is holy is someone who is separated from the ordinary.  Like the sabbath day is a holy day to be separated from the other six, so is a holy person. However, there are human beings who have lived such Christ-like, humble and loving lives that they stand out more than the rest of us "saints".  The saints that are officially recognized by the Church are those whose lives you should look to and emulate.  They made it to the end of their lives, dying to the old Adam, and living like the new Adam, Jesus Christ.  The Orthodox Church bestows them with the title "St. So-and-So".   We have feast days and icons to remember these amazing men, women and children, and their continual intercessions are before the throne of God. (Revelation 5:7-9).     

Now it goes without saying, that there are tens of millions of others who qualify for this honor, however they lived and died without anyone really knowing about them.  My own grandfather was eulogized as "a saint walking among us".  He lived humbly and quietly. He glorified God at all times not only with his mouth, but more importantly with his actions.  He did not spend his life in vain pursuit of money or glory, but kept his eye on the end.  Will there ever be a "St. John of Syracuse" with an icon painted of him?  Probably not.  However, there is no doubt that he lived the life Christ asked him to and that he rests in Paradise.  I remember the day of his death each year because it marks the successful end of a life lived in love and truth, and the day he entered into the life he had been working towards.  My grandfather did not leave me money, real estate or any other item that is deemed as important or having value by this passing and corrupt world.   He left me his example of his life, one lived within the bosom of the Orthodox Christian church, fed by her sacraments and the understanding of the Scriptures as passed down from the other saints through the 2000 years of the Church's life.

Anyhow..back to death. The saints are death-conscious individuals.  They put off the old man, and day by day they become more and more like Christ, fulfilling their "death" in baptism.  And as this happens, the natural result (although people call it supernatural because it is so different from the reality of our present distorted world)  is that they too are able to heal people of sickness, avert disasters and the like.  The following is just a very minuscule example from the modern day life of St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco, who passed into eternal life in 1966. 
  

The miracle-working power and clairvoyance of Saint John were well known in Shanghai. Once, during Bright Week, Saint John came to the Jewish hospital to visit the Orthodox [Christian] patients there. Passing through one ward, he stopped in front of a screen, concealing the bed upon which an elderly Jewish woman lay dying. Her family members were awaiting her death nearby. The Saint raised a cross above the screen and loudly proclaimed: Christ is Risen! upon which the dying woman regained consciousness and asked for water. The Saint approached the nurse and said, the patient wants to drink. The medical staff was stunned by the change which had taken place in one who only moments earlier was dying. Soon the woman recovered and was discharged from the hospital. Such incidents were numerous.

It so happened that Saint John was urgently called to administer Holy Communion to a dying man in the hospital. Having taken the Holy Gifts, the Saint headed there with another clergyman. When they arrived they saw a young man, about 20 years of age, playing on a harmonica. He had already recovered and was to leave the hospital shortly. The Saint called him over saying, I want to give you Holy Communion right now. The young man immediately came up to him, confessed, and received Holy Communion. The amazed clergyman asked Saint John why he did not go to the one dying, but detained himself with an obviously healthy young man. The Saint answered simply, He will die tonight, but the other, who is seriously ill, will live yet many years. That is precisely what came to pass. The Lord manifested similar miracles in Europe and America through His Saint.

This is not unusual.  Just the result of a person who lives in deep humility and with great love for God and every human being. Here's more on St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco.  I also recommend the book Blessed John the Wonderworker, published by St. Herman Press.  A quick google will give you tons of information as well.   To this very day, St. John still prays for those of us still struggling in this life.  The miracles are countless and true. Prayer services are done every Saturday at his tomb where you can have your name and/or the name(s) of those needing God's help read. [click here to do so].  The testimonies to his intercession before God are everywhere by all different kinds of people.  Here is a short podcast (about 20 minutes or so) of one such encounter from the Illumined Heart.
 
Well, that was a long post.  I think I'll do one more post on death and then head on into mercy.  I leave you today with these parting words that were spoken about St. John of Shanghai and San Francisco. I think it really sums up what I have been trying to say.

In these frightening days of general apostasy from God, the Lord has not abandoned his people and has sent them a great intercessor. Standing before the throne of God is a courageous defender of the Church of Christ; a struggler and ascetic according to the tradition of the stylites who took upon themselves the strictest form of self-mortification and, at times, taking upon themselves foolishness for Christ's sake, which exceeds the wisdom of this world; a good and loving pastor who laid down his life for his sheep; a teacher and nurturer of Orthodox youth; a miracle-worker and unmercenary healer; an apostle and missionary; a deep theologian; a beholder of mysteries and a hierarch of universal significance, who unwaveringly followed that which he had promised before God and men in his testimony read during his election to the episcopacy: What greater benefit can one bring to one's neighbor, other than to prepare him for eternal life…

Death, post 3

One of my children entering into the baptismal waters.

Okay I've opted not to talk about baptism.   The purpose of this blog is not to be about "apologetics", and since there are many varying beliefs about baptism within the spectrum of Christianity I really don't feel like getting into it at this point. However, I will say this...the traditional belief held by Orthodox Christians and Roman Catholics is that baptism is not a mere symbol.  It is holy.  It is sober.  It is *grace-filled.  It is entrance into the Church and her life. A person is born again through baptism, becomes dead to the humanity we have inherited in being descendants of Adam and ultimately raised up into the life of divinity in the new Adam, Jesus Christ.  The journey after baptism is narrow and difficult, because the old Adam (with his passions) doesn't give up so easily.  The propensity to break the commandments is still there. However the Church is a place of healing and love, and through her sacraments like confession and partaking of communion, we are aided in our journey to become more and more like Christ.  The Orthodox Church has been preaching this since 33 AD and if you read the lives of the saints from the 1st to the 21st century they all witness to this truth.  It works.  Men and women become more like Christ.  The wonders performed by Christ in the Gospel are also manifested in these people, and then some.  However, it really isn't about the wonders and miracles, it's about the humility and complete love that these people have acquired.  Boundless love.  Love without limits.  Love to the point of complete self-sacrifice, love to the point of death.  That is REAL Christian love. That is the love of Christ.  And it all begins in baptism.

Well for someone who wasn't going to talk about baptism, it looks like I did.  Next post will be about these people, the saints who were all martyrs of one sort or another. (And by martyrs I don't mean people that strap a bomb to their chest and jump onto a bus.  The word martyr has been usurped and perverted.) No, these men and women were dead to the pleasures and deceits of this world and lived their lives with the end in mind, that is, physical death followed by eternal life.  

See you soon!

*a note on grace. Grace, when used in the Orthodox Church, does not mean "good favor". It specifically refers to the actual divine energy of God.  It is an infusion of God's energy through the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Holy Trinity.  Here's an official definition of grace from the book  The Incarnate God, Volume I:

Grace: it is love, the gift of God, which bestows his divinity on us through his energies, in order to make us partakers of divine nature (2 Peter 1:4).  The Fathers of the Church insist on the fact that God bestows his grace, but it is up to man to receive it and make it operative. (page 181) 

Death, post 2

I've been torn as to where to head with death.  Death is so complex and it could be looked at from a number of ways..our death in baptism, the accomplishment of Christ's death, death to the worldly things, the remembrance of death.  Then there are things to say about life after death, judgment at death, grieving at the death of others, praying for the dead.  See?  There's lots and lots of ways to go.

So what to do?  Well wouldn't you know it, the man I am about to quote died 8 years ago today.  The irony was too great to ignore.  The following article was written by Metropolitan Anthony Bloom (here's a very short bio about him from a prior blog post) entitled "Death: Our Way of Life".

Death is the touchstone of our attitude to life.  People who are afraid of death are afraid of life.  It is impossible not to be afraid of life with all its complexity and dangers if one is afraid of death.  This means that to solve the problem of death is not a luxury.  If we are afraid of death we will never be prepared to take ultimate risks; we will spend our life in a cowardly, careful and timid manner.  It is only if we can face death, make sense of it, determine its place and our place in regard to it that we will be able to live in a fearless way and to the fullness of our ability.  Too often we wait until the end of our life to face death, whereas we would have lived quite differently if only we had faced death at the outset.

According to St. John Climacus, one of the essential steps in the transformation of our fallen nature and the acquisition of the virtues is "meleti thanatou", or the remembrance of death.... In fact, Step 6 of his Ladder of Divine Ascent is dedicated to this very practice.  On October 3rd the Church guides us to read this specific chapter from beginning to end, because at the end is the tale of the Blessed Hesychius the Horebite whom we celebrate today.  St. John thought his tale to be the perfect seal on this beneficial chapter dedicated to the remembrance of death, and below I offer the ending portion of this chapter to see why:

"Some inquire and wonder: 'Why, when the remembrance of death is so beneficial to us, has God hidden from us the knowledge of the hour of death?' - not knowing that in this way God wonderfully accomplishes our salvation.  For no one who foreknew his death would at once proceed to baptism or the monastic life; but everyone would spend all his days in iniquities, only on the day of his death, would he approach baptism and repentance.  From long habit, he would become confirmed in vice, and would remain utterly incorrigible.

And I cannot be silent about the story of Hesychius the Horebite.  He passed his life in complete negligence, without paying the least attention to his soul.  Then he became extremely ill, and for an hour he expired.  And when he came to himself, he begged us all to leave him immediately.  And he built up the door of his cell, and he stayed in it for twelve years without ever uttering a word to anyone, and without eating anything but bread and water.  And, always remaining motionless, he was so rapt in spirit at what he had seen in his ecstasy, that he never changed this manner of life but was always as if out of his mind, and silently shed hot tears.  But when he was about to die, we broke open the door and went in, and after many questions, this alone is all we heard from him: 'Forgive me!  No one who has acquired the remembrance of death will ever be able to sin.'  We were amazed to see that one who had before been so negligent was so suddenly transfigured by this blessed change and transformation.  We reverently buried him in the cemetery near the fort, and after some days we looked for his holy relics, but did not find them.  So by Hesychius' true and praiseworthy repentance, the Lord showed us that He accepts those who desire to amend, even after long negligence."

This article was taken from Issue #23 of the zine publication/website Death to the World.    Just a word of warning if you are not familiar with this publication,  it is a little dark at times, but it definitely serves a certain demographic of Orthodox young adults.  I have read a large variety of Orthodox Christian literature, so I know where this fits in and I understand the perspective from which it comes.  However, I could see a person really freaking out if this was their only exposure to Orthodox Christianity.   All in all I really like the publication, but maybe your typical baba (an endearing name for a Slavic grandmother) would take a different route in which she presented her grandchildren the Faith. 

Next up (probably) is baptism and it's meaning in regards to death.

Death, post 1

My great-grandparents at rest at St. Tikhon's Monastery. 

Okay, I made it to August.  I'm not sick or anything, but you just never know.

So why did I pick death?  A few reasons really.

1. Everybody dies.  I read the obits every day and that is the conclusion to which I have arrived.  Old people, young people, people that had been sick, people that had, until their sudden demise, been healthy, wealthy people with large families and homeless people who had not a single person to claim them (only their names were known and no other information).   As they say, the only two unavoidable things in life are "death and taxes", and death is certainly more interesting to talk about than taxes.
2. Over the past 9 months I have known several people (including a child) that have died, so I have had it in my thoughts on a consistent basis.  
3. Christianity, at least traditional Christianity, is all about death.  It is about Christ's death on the cross, and His resurrection.  All of this is proclaimed every Sunday in traditional Christian churches and most especially celebrated on Easter.   Without His death and resurrection, Jesus is just another man with high moral standards.  So to truly call ourselves Christians, then our lives must also be about death.   Baptism, the very first sacrament in a person's life, is the experience where one dies to the old world and rises out of the waters into the new life in Christ. "For as many of you as were baptized into Christ, have put on Christ" to quote St. Paul [Galatians 3:27 ]  However this death doesn't end in baptism. To quote St. Paul again [1 Corinthians 15:31] "...I die daily".  It's the daily renunciation of the crap and falsity that the world has to offer.  Death every day.  When this death is properly lived, it is real life, real living, no fear of physical death.  Read the lives of the saints, they testify to this truth.  Whether it is a saint martyred in the 1st century or 21st century, it is all the same beautiful story that this life of death worked to their salvation. (read the above page about salvation in case this is confusing to you).    
4. Being that Orthodox Christianity has been around for 2000 years, and death is the crux of the faith, there certainly isn't a lack of things written about it. 

And so, we begin. Now don't be superstitious and not read this month's posts because if you read about death it must mean that you'll be hit by a bus tomorrow.  There is NO ROOM for superstition in reality. And, if superstition were for real, then I should be dead by now because the neighborhood black cat has darted in front of my car at least 2 dozen times in the past six years. Actually the dopey cat is the one who should be dead having engaged in such a dangerous activity.

God-willing, I'll see you soon with Post 2.

I'm back.

I haven't been here in awhile, not due to lack of things to say, but more in the lack of time in which to say it.  My postings in the past few months have been sparse.  No real excuses other than the end of the school year activities and then keeping the kids occupied on summer break.  They're back now (we are on a modified year-round school year) so now I can return to what I enjoy most, avoiding housework and blogging.

After much thought I have decided that the topic for August will be.....death, but not like scary sad death, but good and thought provoking ideas about death.  In Orthodox Christianity, the remembrance of death plays an essential role in spiritual contemplation.  To quote the 7th century theologian St. John Climacus (the author of the intense book The Ladder of Divine Ascent) "The remembrance of death is as necessary as prayer".

See you in August...of course God-willing that I don't meet my end!